Well, here I sit in the office on this beautiful Saturday while my little one is napping and my husband is watching football. Wait a second...you're wondering why I said husband right? Isn't he supposed to be deployed by now? You're probably concerned that I'm actually imagining his presence similar to how Dexter talks to his father when he's no longer around. I have had to pinch myself a couple times because, yes, it is true, Mike is actually here.
I should be jumping for joy. Yippeee, my husband is home and we get to spend more time with him! And believe me, I am overjoyed that he is still here with us. But let me preface this by saying that I feel like I've been through hell and back since Wednesday and now I'm rather "numb" to this whole deployment situation. Mike was supposed to deploy on Wednesday. Picture us the days leading up to deployment day and you would find me following Mike around (with Rory scampering behind) while Mike grabbed things here and there, scanned things, filed things, gave me lessons on how to operate certain "manly" tasks and zipped up ridiculously heavy luggage with other military items in tow. I let him watch whatever he wanted to watch on T.V. (um, I'm not a fan of news or sports which is why we always go for compromise channels), made every one of his favorite meals and didn't nag him about changing an unpleasant diaper or taking out the trash. I wanted him to feel as comfy and happy as possible and I was content with making him happy. During quiet moments when Mike was in another room or I was putting Rory to bed, that was when the tears would start. Silence was not good for me and anxious thoughts filled that silence for the unknown feelings of that final goodbye and the absence of my husband when he got on that plane. I tried my best to hold it together in front of Mike but I'm not as strong as I'd like to be so I had my moments. Mike was great through all of this, giving me pep talks, reminding me of all the times we were apart in high school and college and really, he was just wonderful to be around. I found myself hugging him longer than I normally would and wanting to spend every second of every day with him since the days leading up to his deployment were numbered.
On the day that he was supposed to leave, again, more tears, more talks, more hugs and reassurances. Rory and I were dressed in patriotic clothes and we even had a neighbor/friend take a few pictures of us before leaving the house. I drove Mike to the airport, checked in his luggage and walked him to security. I did not want a gate pass to go with him because I just could not stand the idea of hanging out and waiting for him to board the plane. I wanted to get that goodbye over with. And then the final goodbye was upon us. It was sad, especially seeing Rory say bye to Mike and her not really knowing that he was about to leave for a long time. I watched him unpack his things and walk through the scanner. And then I heard the airport page his name. Mike was too far away to see me flag him down and I didn't know if he heard them. I called his phone a few times but he didn't hear it. I honestly assumed that there was an issue with his weapons and decided to go down to the ticketing desk and see if there was anything I could do on my end. When I walked up there, I saw Mike's weapons container out which I knew wasn't good because he his flight was scheduled to leave in less than an hour. Then I saw the rest of his luggage and was really confused. I spoke to a woman at the counter and she informed me that she received a call to pull Mike's luggage from the plane because his flight was cancelled. So this time, I assumed that his rotator from Baltimore was cancelled which is why he wasn't allowed to leave from Albuquerque. Less than a minute later, Mike comes from around the corner to tell me his deployment had been cancelled. He didn't know why, all he was told was to not get on that plan because there was no longer a job waiting for him in the middle east.
To spare you the boring details over the next two days, what had happened was that "someone" accidentally deleted his position from the system and it was not intentional by any means. So we had to go through the process of getting his orders recut to reflect new dates and to schedule him on the next available rotator out of the U.S. To both of our surprise, the next one wasn't available for another two weeks. When we first got the news, we were both annoyed with the situation. Sure, I definitely wanted my husband around for as long as possible, but at the same time, here we were, with another two weeks of this dark cloud hanging over us and this awkward, empty sadness to fill the space and silent moments.
(Typed today)
Or so we thought...
The next two weeks turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I mean, it was wonderful. A stay-cation if you will. We relaxed, slept in, went out on excursions and even celebrated our four year anniversary. Oh, and lets not forget that we stripped down our horrible garage and have now turned it into a safe haven/playroom of sorts with tacky mix-matched decorations to boot! We even were lucky enough to take some last minute family photos before Mike headed out.
The best part about all of this, is that neither one of us were sad this time around. We smiled, we laughed and at times, admitted that we forgot he was deploying. We really relished the additional family time that we were blessed with and I amazed myself with how good I was doing. I wasn't crying at the the drop of a hat and for some reason, this overwhelming sense of peace had come over me. That I knew everything was going to be ok.
And so yesterday finally came, two years of knowing about this deployment, one year of off and on spin-up training, and there we were, standing embraced in the airport, hugging and kissing and sharing a few last moments before he got on that plane. I just got a call from Mike as he was about to board the rotator from Baltimore and he sounds good. Nervous, anxious, doesn't know what to expect, but ready just the same. Exactly how I feel. How a lot of people like us feel when faced with similar circumstances. But you know what? I almost feel embarrassed at how sad I have let myself get at times. It can be SO much more challenging. I've heard of one spouse who was so PROUD of her husband for getting an opportunity to deploy for a year to work with Afghans up close and personal. To me that sounds very daunting and scary to think about how long that will feel when two loved ones are apart. But to her, she just seemed so happy for him and what a great opportunity this was going to be for his career. And on the opposite spectrum, I have heard of another spouse who has a daughter roughly the same age as Rory and just gave birth to her second child, a son, while her husband is deployed. Her son was born with downs and several other medical conditions that requires him to have operations for the first few years of his life. Again, her spirit and positive wisdom just overwhelm and amaze me. I do not know these women in person, just through daily blog readings. But both of these ladies see the good that they have, and here I was stamping my feet while my husband goes to fulfill a commitment and responsibility that is called upon by his job. I feel very humbled at this point, and a lot of other things I'm not gonna lie. But this is the time to be grateful for the things I have and the people that I love. And really, that's all that matters.
