A 'Woe is Me' Post

I have been through a roller coaster of emotions and fortunately, Mike is not here to bear witness. So really, I find myself uncoiling at really awkward times...like today when I was at the doctor's office.

Let me back up a bit. So we landed here on March 19th and it is now April 4th. I have a return ticket purchased for April 30th but realistically, I won't be going home until Yokota gives the all clear for everyone to return. Basically that means I have no idea when I'm returning home. This point in my life is supposed to be happy and exciting but instead I feel anxious and mostly sad at the solid fact of the unknown. That nesting urge that they talk about really rings true and I find myself wishing that I was back at home, despite the instability and status of the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant.

I have been overwhelmed with offerings to stay at people's homes but the simple truth is, nothing sounds better than my own home. I miss my ugly little town house with velcroed picture frames and sandpaper bathroom floors. I miss doing my dishes and avoiding unfolded laundry. I miss being annoyed with Mike for not making the bed and for leaving toilet paper roll dispensers unfilled. I miss being stressed and tired only of my job. I miss being overwhelmed by my to do lists. Now there's this silence almost, where I feel insufficient and not needed really. The word that encompasses all of my feelings is displaced. It's different visiting family when you know when you'll return back to your daily schedule. It really does feel like a vacation. But this visit is different because I don't know when I can return home. I am getting advice from everyone, the sales clerk at Old Navy, the nail technician at Victoria's Salon, old co-workers, friends and family, all basically telling me to just "Stay here. Have your baby here. Wouldn't that be wonderful? You don't want to go back with all that is going on over there right now." My response is always blunt and honest. "No, I don't want to stay here. I want to be at my own home. I want to have my baby in Japan. I want to experience this pregnancy with Mike." And everyone has been every understanding and then they get it.

So today when I was at the doctor's office, I had a lot of emotions built up that I hadn't really let out. I overheard the doctor talking to another person behind the door about my health records that I had faxed in from Japan. She said stuff like, "Ugh, this is a waste of my time. Why the heck is she here from Japan? This paperwork means nothing. Where are all of her labs? Fine, I'm just going to go in and interview her, see what you can get from this useless paperwork." I didn't want to hear her say those things because really, what else could I have done? I have been to McGuire AFB here trying to get answers about my situation and how I could get seen without actually registering at a hospital. No one really knew what to do with me at first and I spent a lot of time waiting while they 'looked some things up.' I can't be the only displaced pregnant woman from Japan. I wonder if their experiences are similar to mine. So as the doctor walks in and starts questioning me, she begins to put all the pieces together, listening to my story of displacement and she starts to look sad. I could tell she felt bad for the things she said and I wonder if she knew I overheard her. And that's when I started to cry, really for no reason. Getting sad looks and apologies sometimes make me feel embarrassed. I composed myself as quickly as I could and silently forgave the doctor for jumping to conclusions. She was then very nice, telling me that they were going make appointments for me every 2 weeks instead of every 4 so that I could get to know all the doctors in case I would have to deliver here.

I apologize for the 'woe is me' tale. It's sort of my online journal and you folks are my lucky readers that I'm willing to share this with.

My mom said, and what I really believe is true, "If you list out all the things that are sad in your life, the list may be long. BUT, if you list out all the things that make you happy right now, you would also have a very long list, maybe even longer." Nothing makes me happier than knowing I'm growing a little baby. I quench that nesting thirst with baby purchases (sorry Mike, it comes with being pregnant) and today, when I heard Baby Someone's heartbeat, faster and louder than ever, I knew everything would be ok.